Saturday, January 01, 2011

After I Write


I grow afraid of rereading what I've written.

Don't get me wrong, I love writing.

It's rereading it all that I have a problem with.

Not when I'm rereading it and editing it before I publish my posts.

It's more of... After a long period of time, after I've written and published it.

I'd have a fear of rereading it.

It's not because I'm afraid of mistakes in my posts,

But because sometimes the stuff I put in, are a huge reflection of myself.

You see, as a writer, I put my entire soul in whenever I write.

I'm really one of those people who "Write drunk, and edit sober."

I pour bits and pieces of myself, like how I feel, what I'm thinking...

The scariest is the "How I feel" part, though.

You know when people say, that the hardest person to face, is yourself?

It's really true for me.

People who know me, know that I have no problem with guts.

Heck, I'm the crazy girl who walked up to one of the world's best copywriters and asked him straight up for a job.

But when it comes to reaching down and really feeling my own feelings,

Trying to get to know myself, and just really getting in touch with who I am,

It's scary.

It's this feeling that you get when you don't want to face it,

But you kinda know that you have to.

At the end of my training at 95% the Advertising Academy,

I was told that the hardest part for me to go through now,

Is to face myself.

And it really is true.

It's like you gotta revisit some part of yourself that you don't really want to acknowledge.

All your uglies, your weaknesses...

Things about yourself that you aren't proud of.

Perhaps I'm afraid of facing the truth.

Or perhaps the memories that the posts invoke in me are the ones I'm running away from.

Because these posts I write are built up on memories and emotions.

Revisiting them, especially the bad memories, pain me at times.

So as the writer, the one person who is most clear on what the posts are talking about, all the underlying meanings,

It hits me, hard.

The feelings I didn't want to face, or have been running away from,

They come at me, full force.

So what do I do about it?

Once upon a time I was this little girl who just wanted to run away from facing these things, 'cos it scared me too much.

Well the little girl isn't so little anymore.

So I do the exact opposite of what I've been doing all along.

I've got to face it.

Sometimes in life, you gotta face your fears.

Running away solves nothing.

If anything, the pain would come back, worse than ever.

No matter how many uglies I'm gonna have to go through,

This is the one thing I know I won't regret, once I go through with it.

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