It's far from over

Ever had those moments,

When life is just so difficult,

And you just wanted to curl up in bed,

And cry?

Feeling broken

Barely holding on

But there's just something so strong

Somewhere inside me

And I am down but I'll get up again

Don't count me out just yet

When it seems like the whole world is against you,

Like you can't seem to do anything right,

When you just feel so tired,

You want it all to stop.

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

But you know,

You know it can't stop.

You know that at some point,

You'll have to stand up and face it all.

And fight.

And not give up.

And there are voices saying:

"You can't do it. You'll just fail, and fail, and fail."

"What's the point?"

"You won't last long."

"You may as well give up."

"Save yourself the humiliation."

"Give up."

They can say that

I won't stay around

But I'm gonna stand my ground

You're not gonna stop me

You don't know me

You don't know who I am

Don't count me out so fast

But you know,

It's never really over.

Unless you let it.

Unless you allow yourself to fall.

Right?

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

A battle is only truly lost,

When the warrior gives up.

There will be no fade out

This is not the end

I'm down now

But I'll be standing tall again

Times are hard but

I was built tough

I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

You may fail,

You may lose,

You may get yourself into a whole load of shit.

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

I am far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

But you know what?

It's okay.

No no

I'm not going nowhere

I'm staying right here

Oh no

You won't see me begging

I'm not taking my bow

Can't stop me

It's not the end

You haven't seen the last of me

Oh no

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

'Cos if you want that rainbow,

You gotta put up with the rain.

P/S: The above phrase was inspired by Dolly Parton.

What if-s

At some point in our lives,

We'd start questioning ourselves with "what if?"

What if I stopped being lazy, and sat down and really studied?

What if I never listened to my mum, and picked the job I really wanted?

What if I continued exercising everyday, and never slacked?

What if I had enough guts to ask that hot babe out?

What if I never let him go?

The problem with "what if", is that your chance has already passed.

Or, you're uncertain of what you want to do.

I used to be this person, who'd always let herself down.

Really, I played on self-sabotage, all the time.

Honestly, it sucked.

Looking back, I know things would be so different for me now,

If I actually did things differently.

If I studied, I would've gotten straight As in my SPM.

If I pursued music further, I wouldn't be in advertising. I'd probably have ended up in MPO or something.

If I practiced my tennis more, I'd have won some competitions.

If I pursued my love of performing, I would've ended up in the theater.

The thing about me, that I'm very sure of at this point,

Is that I know I have tons of potential in me.

But my mistake was, I let myself down.

But then again, I wouldn't exchange any part of what I have now,

To get what I could've gotten way back then.

Sure, I'm not in the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra,

Yeah, I'm not a straight A student,

And of course, I never so much as entered any tennis competitions.

But I have a job that I absolutely love,

A career that's off to a flying start,

Achievements that most people my age never get till much later,

Experiences that most people my age don't encounter till about.... 4 years later,

And a future that is, although uncertain, definitely off to a good start.

So I've stopped asking myself "what if?",

And turned it into "what else?".

What else can I do, to make my ideas better?

What else is there, for me to improve?

What else can I do, to get that creative award?

What else can I do, to win the next creative pitch?

What else can I do, to wow my clients?

What else can I do, to bring myself one more step closer to my dreams?

Doesn't that sound better, than all of the "what if-s" in our lives combined?

And I think you're lucky too.

A friend of mine once commented that I was lucky to be single.

And that it's better to be that way 'cos she thinks being in a relationship is more... Troublesome.

I can't see why she should feel that way.

Sure, I have all the privileges.

The whole commitment-free thing.

The exclusion of drama, and the excessive hurt.

I'm pretty content with my life right now.

It's great.

But only sometimes.

I do get moments when I feel very alone.

Isn't it great to have someone text or call you in the middle of the day just to tell you they loved you?

Isn't it great to have one person on your mind, the minute you wake up, and the moment you fall asleep?

Isn't it nice to have someone you look forward to seeing, at the end of the day, or when a date is set up?

I know when I had a boyfriend I loved all of these things.

I never thought, for a single moment that all these were chores.

These days, when I'm down, sometimes, I have no freaking clue about who I should be calling.

I mean, I can't keep calling up my friends every time I feel emotional and intrude on their lives.

They have other commitments too.

When you're attached, it's always that one person you'd call to listen to you or comfort you.

And boy, do they do it so easily,

It's almost like magic.

When you're attached,

Notice how you have someone to miss.

It kills you sometimes cos the person isn't right next to you,

But you have someone to miss,

Even if they're on the other side of the world.

There is a physical being that you long for.

For you attached people,

That certain someone is most likely to miss you back.

Isn't that beautiful already?

In my case, the person I miss, isn't ever gonna miss me.

That's for sure.

When you fight,

Notice how you have someone to fight with?

I'm not talking about a fight between friends, family or total strangers.

I'm talking about a lover's quarrel.

The type that once you make up, things are sweeter than ever.

And I think that's beautiful too.

You have someone you actually wanna hold on to,

And someone who wants to hold on to you, too.

And you both have something worth fighting for.

And when you're both together,

It's like the whole world melts away,

And it's just the two of you.

And I know that this is one thing that you don't want anyone to take away from you.

So isn't it great, after all, to be in love?

If anything right now, dear friend, I think you're pretty lucky too.

Dear 2010,

Where do I start?

You've been such a huge roller coaster ride.

You brought me love,

Thrilling me and making me feel so lucky in every way.

Then you took it away,

Hurting me, and leaving me emotionally drained.

Unhappy and wanting to give up on everything and running away.

You nearly made me crumble into pieces.

Then you knocked some sense into me,

Made me stand up and move on with my life.

You taught me lessons, that no teacher could teach.

Helped me grow, so that I'm no longer the person I used to be.

You pushed me beyond what I thought were my limitations,

And showed me that my capabilities lay far beyond what I thought they were.

You brought me such amazing people, that I never thought I'd ever meet.

Who'd support me, love me, and believe in me,

Possibly even more than I've ever loved or believed in myself.

You gave me opportunities beyond my imagination.

Some of which, I screwed up,

Some of which, I succeeded.

It's surprising how much one year could bring me.

It's even more surprising how much it would change me.

2010, I don't really know how I feel about you.

I am grateful, and bitter at the very same time.

Grateful for the good,

Bitter for the bad.

Perhaps it really is time to let go of the bitterness,

To move on in the next year, I think.

I will not, however, force it.

Because the more I do, the worse I'd feel.

So I'm gonna take my time.

I stand now on the cusp of my life,

Where a new chapter is about to begin.

I have the job that I set my mind to achieve.

I have the salary beyond my expectations.

I have people beside me, believing in me, and supporting me in every way they can.

2010, it seems too soon to say goodbye now.

My wish is that this goodbye brings the start of something great.

So goodbye, 2010,

And hello, 2011.

I don't know what you'll bring me,

But I'm sure it won't break me.

Walking On Water

You look around, staring back at you

Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder

What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?

What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

Time and time again, I've doubted myself.

What if, I really don't get what I want?

What if, someone else gets it, and I'm left all alone,

Out in the cold?

I have big dreams.

Bigger than me.

I dream to do the impossible.

I dream to take on the unknown.

Sometimes it just seems so far away,

So unobtainable.

Even when I tell anyone about what I want to do,

I feel my knees quake.

I know that there are so many ways that I would fail,

That I would fall and get hurt.

I'm scared.

When you take that first step into the unknown

You know that He won't let you go

But then I know,

If I don't take on what I want to do,

I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I know I won't ever live it down.

I also know that there are people who believe in me,

And will support me through it all.

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities, they try to hold to you

But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move

Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

So then I chose to walk that path,

Filled with cobblestones and sharp knives.

I let go of that fear, and jumped.

What's impossible, anyway?

There really isn't such a thing.

It's just a reason for someone not to try.

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground

No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out

Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure

So you play it safe, you try to run away

Despite choosing,

I'd still go, "Wait, is this right? What, am I crazy? This is dangerous, shouldn't I be stopping?"

"Shouldn't I turn back?"

What if I do fail?

But what if I don't?

How will I know, unless I keep going?

I nearly gave up.

But then I realised that if I did, I wouldn't know what lay ahead.

I'd miss out on what was waiting for me at the end of this difficult road.

The only way to know, is to try.

Step out, even when it's storming

Step out, even when you're broken

Step out, even when your heart is telling you

Telling you to give up

Step out, when your hope is stolen

Step out, you can't see where you're going

You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting for?

So really, there isn't anything for me to wait for.

Except for myself,

To take the chance and leap.

I'm still chasing my dreams,

Still stumbling, falling and getting hurt along the way.

But I'm not stopping till I've achieved them.

I've taken on a new belief,

The belief that nothing in this world is impossible.

Just difficult.

_____________________________________

Dear you,

Please don't give up on your dreams.

Remember, even the greatest people on Earth started off like we did.

And it wasn't easy for them, either.

So stick with your dreams, however crazy.

'Cos you never know,

They just might come true.

Love,

Me

From Granddaughter to Grandfather

Grandpa was tall.

And big.

He never looked like a typical old man.

I've always had trouble remembering his age.

Because he looked younger than his real age.

He was 89.

When Grandpa walked,

He walked with a certain vigour that most men his age could not match.

He was strong.

He had balding white-grey hair,

A cheeky look in his eyes.

And a cheeky grin to go with it.

Back in my childhood,

Grandpa was like a giant.

Because to me he was always this big strong figure.

In my innocence,

I thought he was stronger than my dad.

And maybe he was, at the time.

I remember back then, I'd always bounce on his knee.

He'd carry me around,

And he'd tell me how small and light I was.

He did this until I turned 8,

By then I was told to be too old to be carried around like a baby.

However I'd still beg for it sometimes,

And he'd indulge me despite my age, and how heavy I'd gotten.

He was a little over 60 at the time.

That's how strong my grandpa was.

During the course of his illness,

Grandpa shrunk.

On his last birthday,

He was so small and frail, I nearly couldn't recognise him.

It was like he would break at the slightest touch.

Then it came.

It was raining heavily that day.

I was getting ready for a reunion with my primary school classmates,

When we got a call from my aunts.

My grandfather had lost his life to colon cancer.

I remember crying a lot.

I remember going to his funeral.

Although I saw him in his coffin,

I half expected him to spring back to life,

Demanding to be let out of that confounded box.

He never did.

When they sent him to be cremated,

I wanted them to stop.

I was afraid he'd be afraid of the fire.

I had delusions of him screaming for help in the heat of the furnace.

I nearly cried for them to stop.

Then a sudden realisation hit me,

Grandpa was dead.

The flames may burn as hot as they can,

The body in the coffin can't feel a thing,

It didn't move, much less scream.

He's not coming back.

I guess it took a while for me to realise that.

Or rather, to accept it.

Because out of all my grandparents, he was the closest to me.

He left the biggest impact on my life.

I remember when he first got news that I was enlisted for National Service,

He insisted to come to KL to see me (grandpa lived in Penang).

My tenderest moment with him,

Was when he showed me his violin.

It was his most precious thing,

And I felt honored that he showed it to me.

Grandpa was always this person that I loved to please.

It's like, when I see him happy or proud or showing any sign of emotion to me,

It gave me great joy.

Grandpa was never really an intense person.

It's probably because he's a typical China man.

They don't really show emotions.

If I said "I love you" to him,

He'd say "Thank you."

There would be no "I love you, too."

After the funeral,

I dreamed of him.

My whole family did,

But I think I saw him the most.

Around, 4 times, then it stopped.

The rest of my family only saw him once, I think.

Some were happy dreams,

Some were painful.

I'm no Buddhist.

In fact, I'm Christian.

But I'd give anything to see him in my dreams again.

I've never really gotten over the loss.

I don't think I ever will.

In fact, as I type this I can feel the tears formulating in my eyes.

But you know what they say about the ones you love?

That they never really do leave as long as you keep them in your heart?

It's true.

Because I find that whenever I miss him,

I think back on the memories I shared with him,

I think of how he would react to different situations,

His face,

His expressions,

His gestures,

And he lives again.

Love is

Whenever he walks into the room,

Your heart skips a beat,

Butterflies have a grand party in your stomach,

And all of a sudden,

The world is a more beautiful place.

Your mood lifts a whole lot,

And your smile grows wider.

You'd be so unable to tear your eyes away from him,

Because it's like he's the only person in the room that matters.

But you take caution as you stare.

Should he turn to you,

You turn away, bashful.

Fearing he might think of you as crazy.

You'd forgive him no matter what shit he's put you through,

Because he's all you want.

Every hour spent with him goes by too fast,

And every second without,

Is far too slow.

His very embrace,

Makes you feel so safe.

As though all of your troubles, pain and sorrow,

Melt away the instant he holds you.

And you could just lie there for.... Well, ever.

'Cos it's your favourite place in the universe.

His kiss sends tingles up your spine,

And it feels so heavenly,

That you'd yearn for more.

You'd want to know everything about him,

To understand him.

And in knowing everything,

Even his uglies,

You'd still want to be with him, more than anyone else.

All the more,

You'd want to be there for him.

'Cos, well, it's him.

You'd have no reason for it, really.

The little things he does for you,

Even if it's as meager as... Opening a door for you,

Turn your legs to jelly.

It's what makes you trust yourself,

To want to break down those strong walls you've built to protect your heart,

And let him in.

Because, you'd trust him no matter what.

Because you'd want him to know you, too.

Losing him,

Would be unthinkable.

It'd be like losing a part of your soul.

And that would be your greatest fear.

You'd risk everything you have,

Even your life,

For him, as long as he's happy.

You'd give it your all.

You don't need to be with him,

Because as long as he's happy,

Even if it's with another girl,

You'll be happy.

Because that means putting one person's happiness before yours,

Not many people can do that.

That, to me,

is Love in its purest, truest form.

For the Broken Hearted

A telling of a broken heart, from a girl's perspective.

Or at least, how I see it.

When a girl's heart is broken,

There is a sort of pain.

You can't really express it.

You feel this great throbbing in your chest,

Your head starts to throb in pain as well.

Your tears come, for a while.

Sometimes it doesn't stop,

Sometimes they come in a few droplets.

Sometimes, you scream.

Because the pain is just much too great.

You can't talk,

Because sometimes words fail.

You sleep more,

Because you just don't want to feel the hurt.

Because you want an escape from reality.

So you no longer feel.

You wish for someone to hold you,

Because you just feel so alone.

It's like no one wants you.

It's like you aren't worth holding on to.

And you want someone to hold on to,

So you'd feel wanted, after all.

But when someone does hold you,

You'd still feel empty inside.

Because the one you want to hold you most,

Will never hold you again.

It's like the world has ended,

Because your love cannot be mended.

And when people tell you to move on,

That the past is in the past,

You just feel even more pressured.

Because although what they say is true,

How the hell can you be expected to forget someone who was once your entire world?

It's not easy.

When people call you desperate,

Saying there are tons of fishes in the sea,

You think,

Goddammit, I'm not stupid.

I know that very well!

It's just this one guy you want.

Why is he so special?

The answer to that, is in fact, simple.

You love him.

And what's so wrong with that?

Then you find that the tears no longer come.

And you no longer want to scream.

Because the hurt you felt a while ago, it's all numbed.

But it's still there.

In passing weeks you try,

To distract yourself,

To stop thinking about that jerk.

Because you need to stop hurting.

You hate feeling hurt.

So you want to feel happy.

You avoid everything that reminds you of him,

Because then you'd think of him.

Big no-no.

You guard your heart with steel and armor.

To make sure it doesn't hurt again.

But isn't it funny?

Because some of the time,

The creep drifts back into your mind.

Messes up your emotions,

Make you hurt even more.

Then you start missing him,

Something you absolutely hate.

But you can't help it.

Cos you just can't let go.

Now it's up to the next guy,

To distract you from the jerk,

Make you pay attention to him instead.

See if he can mend this broken heart at all.

But does it need to wait for the next guy?

Can't we just let go by ourselves?

I believe we can.

Girls, we've been doing it all wrong.

Instead of distracting ourselves, we should've let it all out.

Taken all the time we needed to let our anger, hurt and pain go.

It's okay to hurt and be angry.

It's even okay to love someone who used to love you.

And I know it hurts.

But tell me, what's wrong with having a little bit of love in our lives?

As much as it hurts, it's not wrong, is it?

Didn't you feel much better after crying over something hurtful?

Didn't you feel much better after screaming at your annoying brother who spilled Milo all over your assignment?

Well, apply that to your heartache.

Vent it, go all out.

See if you feel better after that.

Author's Note: Damn son, why do my ideas always come in the middle of the night? -.-

These Silly Things

I had just gotten off the bus after a group discussion at One Utama,

When it rained heavily.

So I ran as fast as I could to the nearest mamak stall for shelter.

A heavy downpour ensued.

Then a thought came.

"What if I walked in the rain? What would it feel like?"

There were many times, in fact, that I've pondered this question.

I never got the chance to play in the rain when I was a kid.

Mum always shooed me in whenever it started drizzling.

So I wondered and thought,

Then my curiousity (as always) got the better of me.

So I paid for my teh tarik, zipped up my bag, and walked out into the pouring rain.

At that moment, I knew I made the right decision.

The feeling of water showering down on me,

Every drip left an insatiable tingle against my skin.

I wanted more,

For the rain to really REALLY pour down on me.

I opened my arms wider to feel the rain.

I felt my lips curl into an intoxicated smile,

A bursting feeling came from the pit of my stomach,

And then, losing all resistance, I broke into laughter.

Then I twirled, like a madwoman dancing on the streets.

At that moment, I felt like a kid again.

I giggled and smiled to myself as I made my way home in the pouring rain,

Passersby in cars stared at me as though I was completely nuts.

I knew full well that my cold (I am sick at the moment) would very likely become even worse.

I also knew that when I got home, I would be greeted by my brothers with: "JIE JIE! WHY ARE YOU SO WET?"

Thank goodness my parents weren't home or else I'd get a walloping so bad....

But honestly?

I didn't care.

Because in that instance, I was just happy,

I was living in the moment.

I reveled in it.

Many times we've come across quotes and sayings that tell us to live in the moment,

We all agree to it.

Or at least, I do.

But how often do we REALLY carry it out?

When was the last time you really let lose?

Really REALLY lived in the moment, doing something completely crazy just because you felt like it?

As adults, we hang on to the perception that we must, MUST act as mature as possible, in every situation.

We say no, I'm not acting silly, I'll look stupid, people will think I'm crazy.

But really, it's you, making it up in your mind that it looks stupid.

And what do "people" know anyway?

For all you know, they could be living boring, flat lives.

Is that what you want, really?

While it may be good to be mature,

It's always great to let loose once in a while.

As I entered the working world, I started to feel the routine in my life.

I get up, go to work, do my work, come home, have dinner with my family, then I sleep.

And the next day, I do the exact same thing.

Back when I was a kid,

There was something new every day.

I could be the Yellow Ranger (of Power Rangers) saving the world from evil monsters one day,

Then a beautiful princess living in a beautiful castle the next.

Now if I were to do the things I did when I was a kid today at 20,

People would stare and say "Grow up, will you?"

But think, when you did all these things back then, weren't you happy?

Wasn't it great to just be silly, and not worry about what other people thought,

And just live?

Between looking respectable and being just plain happy, I'd choose the latter.

Wouldn't you?