Nicholas

I pity the guy.

First off, he's fat.

So fat, in fact, I fear he may die of obesity.

What with all the milk and cookies the children give him...

He's probably at a huge risk of heart disease and diabetes.

His time may soon come.

He's always having to keep track of who's naughty and nice.

Imagine, there are a bajillion children around the world.

Parents have so much trouble in keeping track of one.

But this guy?

He da man.

He's like a bajillion years old, and he still remembers the kids!

I bet he stalks them.

But seriously, how the hell does one person take care of a bajillion kids?

I think it's his elves.

I think they do the dirty work for him.

They probably wear invisibility suits.

And they go around stalking children.

They probably follow them everywhere.

Even to the toilet.

They probably write down every single deed they do.

Damn these guys are good.

But poor Nick has to process who's naughty and nice.

I bet the Missus complains.

I bet he's so busy he neglects her sometimes.

Like at night, when she wants to "get it on" with him,

His response would probably be:

"No dear, not tonight, I'm too tired."

When most husbands go "Yeah baby!"

So the poor guy probably doesn't have a thriving sex life either.

And who pays him anyway?

I mean, GIVING toys to people?

That can't be cheap.

And how can he pay those elves?

And kids these days, they don't want dolls and toy cars anymore.

They want iPhones, iPads, iPods, Wii, Xbox and all.

So I'm pretty sure the guy has to pay double for whatever presents he gives.

Man it sure is hard.

And all he gets is a fancy schmancy "Saint" in front of his name.

Just to make it more glamourous.

And as December approaches,

I bet he has more sleepless nights.

On the 24th, the poor old guy has to lug a huge sack (it's a wonder how his back doesn't break. Maybe it has, but that would've been catastrophic),

Drive reindeer and fly all over the world.

Go to every single house (do you even know how many there are?),

And stuff himself down chimneys.

As if it isn't enough that the guy is obese.

And before stuffing himself down the damned things,

He has to make sure that they aren't lighted.

Just in case his butt gets burned.

Plus, he's done this for hundreds of years!

It's a wonder that it hasn't driven him bonkers.

No wonder he laughs funnily.

I mean who laughs with a "Hohoho!"?

Poor guy.

I think we should have a "St. Nicholas Appreciation Day".

At the very least we'd commemorate his services,

Instead of leaving milk and cookies.

Heck, it's healthier!

Poor poor Nick.

(Disclaimer: Inspired by Neil Gaiman's Nicholas)