And I think you're lucky too.

A friend of mine once commented that I was lucky to be single.

And that it's better to be that way 'cos she thinks being in a relationship is more... Troublesome.

I can't see why she should feel that way.

Sure, I have all the privileges.

The whole commitment-free thing.

The exclusion of drama, and the excessive hurt.

I'm pretty content with my life right now.

It's great.

But only sometimes.

I do get moments when I feel very alone.

Isn't it great to have someone text or call you in the middle of the day just to tell you they loved you?

Isn't it great to have one person on your mind, the minute you wake up, and the moment you fall asleep?

Isn't it nice to have someone you look forward to seeing, at the end of the day, or when a date is set up?

I know when I had a boyfriend I loved all of these things.

I never thought, for a single moment that all these were chores.

These days, when I'm down, sometimes, I have no freaking clue about who I should be calling.

I mean, I can't keep calling up my friends every time I feel emotional and intrude on their lives.

They have other commitments too.

When you're attached, it's always that one person you'd call to listen to you or comfort you.

And boy, do they do it so easily,

It's almost like magic.

When you're attached,

Notice how you have someone to miss.

It kills you sometimes cos the person isn't right next to you,

But you have someone to miss,

Even if they're on the other side of the world.

There is a physical being that you long for.

For you attached people,

That certain someone is most likely to miss you back.

Isn't that beautiful already?

In my case, the person I miss, isn't ever gonna miss me.

That's for sure.

When you fight,

Notice how you have someone to fight with?

I'm not talking about a fight between friends, family or total strangers.

I'm talking about a lover's quarrel.

The type that once you make up, things are sweeter than ever.

And I think that's beautiful too.

You have someone you actually wanna hold on to,

And someone who wants to hold on to you, too.

And you both have something worth fighting for.

And when you're both together,

It's like the whole world melts away,

And it's just the two of you.

And I know that this is one thing that you don't want anyone to take away from you.

So isn't it great, after all, to be in love?

If anything right now, dear friend, I think you're pretty lucky too.

After I Write

Sometimes,

I grow afraid of rereading what I've written.

Don't get me wrong, I love writing.

It's rereading it all that I have a problem with.

Not when I'm rereading it and editing it before I publish my posts.

It's more of... After a long period of time, after I've written and published it.

I'd have a fear of rereading it.

It's not because I'm afraid of mistakes in my posts,

But because sometimes the stuff I put in, are a huge reflection of myself.

You see, as a writer, I put my entire soul in whenever I write.

I'm really one of those people who "Write drunk, and edit sober."

I pour bits and pieces of myself, like how I feel, what I'm thinking...

The scariest is the "How I feel" part, though.

You know when people say, that the hardest person to face, is yourself?

It's really true for me.

People who know me, know that I have no problem with guts.

Heck, I'm the crazy girl who walked up to one of the world's best copywriters and asked him straight up for a job.

But when it comes to reaching down and really feeling my own feelings,

Trying to get to know myself, and just really getting in touch with who I am,

It's scary.

It's this feeling that you get when you don't want to face it,

But you kinda know that you have to.

At the end of my training at 95% the Advertising Academy,

I was told that the hardest part for me to go through now,

Is to face myself.

And it really is true.

It's like you gotta revisit some part of yourself that you don't really want to acknowledge.

All your uglies, your weaknesses...

Things about yourself that you aren't proud of.

Perhaps I'm afraid of facing the truth.

Or perhaps the memories that the posts invoke in me are the ones I'm running away from.

Because these posts I write are built up on memories and emotions.

Revisiting them, especially the bad memories, pain me at times.

So as the writer, the one person who is most clear on what the posts are talking about, all the underlying meanings,

It hits me, hard.

The feelings I didn't want to face, or have been running away from,

They come at me, full force.

So what do I do about it?

Once upon a time I was this little girl who just wanted to run away from facing these things, 'cos it scared me too much.

Well the little girl isn't so little anymore.

So I do the exact opposite of what I've been doing all along.

I've got to face it.

Sometimes in life, you gotta face your fears.

Running away solves nothing.

If anything, the pain would come back, worse than ever.

No matter how many uglies I'm gonna have to go through,

This is the one thing I know I won't regret, once I go through with it.

Dear 2010,

Where do I start?

You've been such a huge roller coaster ride.

You brought me love,

Thrilling me and making me feel so lucky in every way.

Then you took it away,

Hurting me, and leaving me emotionally drained.

Unhappy and wanting to give up on everything and running away.

You nearly made me crumble into pieces.

Then you knocked some sense into me,

Made me stand up and move on with my life.

You taught me lessons, that no teacher could teach.

Helped me grow, so that I'm no longer the person I used to be.

You pushed me beyond what I thought were my limitations,

And showed me that my capabilities lay far beyond what I thought they were.

You brought me such amazing people, that I never thought I'd ever meet.

Who'd support me, love me, and believe in me,

Possibly even more than I've ever loved or believed in myself.

You gave me opportunities beyond my imagination.

Some of which, I screwed up,

Some of which, I succeeded.

It's surprising how much one year could bring me.

It's even more surprising how much it would change me.

2010, I don't really know how I feel about you.

I am grateful, and bitter at the very same time.

Grateful for the good,

Bitter for the bad.

Perhaps it really is time to let go of the bitterness,

To move on in the next year, I think.

I will not, however, force it.

Because the more I do, the worse I'd feel.

So I'm gonna take my time.

I stand now on the cusp of my life,

Where a new chapter is about to begin.

I have the job that I set my mind to achieve.

I have the salary beyond my expectations.

I have people beside me, believing in me, and supporting me in every way they can.

2010, it seems too soon to say goodbye now.

My wish is that this goodbye brings the start of something great.

So goodbye, 2010,

And hello, 2011.

I don't know what you'll bring me,

But I'm sure it won't break me.

From Granddaughter to Grandfather

Grandpa was tall.

And big.

He never looked like a typical old man.

I've always had trouble remembering his age.

Because he looked younger than his real age.

He was 89.

When Grandpa walked,

He walked with a certain vigour that most men his age could not match.

He was strong.

He had balding white-grey hair,

A cheeky look in his eyes.

And a cheeky grin to go with it.

Back in my childhood,

Grandpa was like a giant.

Because to me he was always this big strong figure.

In my innocence,

I thought he was stronger than my dad.

And maybe he was, at the time.

I remember back then, I'd always bounce on his knee.

He'd carry me around,

And he'd tell me how small and light I was.

He did this until I turned 8,

By then I was told to be too old to be carried around like a baby.

However I'd still beg for it sometimes,

And he'd indulge me despite my age, and how heavy I'd gotten.

He was a little over 60 at the time.

That's how strong my grandpa was.

During the course of his illness,

Grandpa shrunk.

On his last birthday,

He was so small and frail, I nearly couldn't recognise him.

It was like he would break at the slightest touch.

Then it came.

It was raining heavily that day.

I was getting ready for a reunion with my primary school classmates,

When we got a call from my aunts.

My grandfather had lost his life to colon cancer.

I remember crying a lot.

I remember going to his funeral.

Although I saw him in his coffin,

I half expected him to spring back to life,

Demanding to be let out of that confounded box.

He never did.

When they sent him to be cremated,

I wanted them to stop.

I was afraid he'd be afraid of the fire.

I had delusions of him screaming for help in the heat of the furnace.

I nearly cried for them to stop.

Then a sudden realisation hit me,

Grandpa was dead.

The flames may burn as hot as they can,

The body in the coffin can't feel a thing,

It didn't move, much less scream.

He's not coming back.

I guess it took a while for me to realise that.

Or rather, to accept it.

Because out of all my grandparents, he was the closest to me.

He left the biggest impact on my life.

I remember when he first got news that I was enlisted for National Service,

He insisted to come to KL to see me (grandpa lived in Penang).

My tenderest moment with him,

Was when he showed me his violin.

It was his most precious thing,

And I felt honored that he showed it to me.

Grandpa was always this person that I loved to please.

It's like, when I see him happy or proud or showing any sign of emotion to me,

It gave me great joy.

Grandpa was never really an intense person.

It's probably because he's a typical China man.

They don't really show emotions.

If I said "I love you" to him,

He'd say "Thank you."

There would be no "I love you, too."

After the funeral,

I dreamed of him.

My whole family did,

But I think I saw him the most.

Around, 4 times, then it stopped.

The rest of my family only saw him once, I think.

Some were happy dreams,

Some were painful.

I'm no Buddhist.

In fact, I'm Christian.

But I'd give anything to see him in my dreams again.

I've never really gotten over the loss.

I don't think I ever will.

In fact, as I type this I can feel the tears formulating in my eyes.

But you know what they say about the ones you love?

That they never really do leave as long as you keep them in your heart?

It's true.

Because I find that whenever I miss him,

I think back on the memories I shared with him,

I think of how he would react to different situations,

His face,

His expressions,

His gestures,

And he lives again.

I don't want to admit it, but I have to.

Hits home, this entire paragraph.

Love is

Whenever he walks into the room,

Your heart skips a beat,

Butterflies have a grand party in your stomach,

And all of a sudden,

The world is a more beautiful place.

Your mood lifts a whole lot,

And your smile grows wider.

You'd be so unable to tear your eyes away from him,

Because it's like he's the only person in the room that matters.

But you take caution as you stare.

Should he turn to you,

You turn away, bashful.

Fearing he might think of you as crazy.

You'd forgive him no matter what shit he's put you through,

Because he's all you want.

Every hour spent with him goes by too fast,

And every second without,

Is far too slow.

His very embrace,

Makes you feel so safe.

As though all of your troubles, pain and sorrow,

Melt away the instant he holds you.

And you could just lie there for.... Well, ever.

'Cos it's your favourite place in the universe.

His kiss sends tingles up your spine,

And it feels so heavenly,

That you'd yearn for more.

You'd want to know everything about him,

To understand him.

And in knowing everything,

Even his uglies,

You'd still want to be with him, more than anyone else.

All the more,

You'd want to be there for him.

'Cos, well, it's him.

You'd have no reason for it, really.

The little things he does for you,

Even if it's as meager as... Opening a door for you,

Turn your legs to jelly.

It's what makes you trust yourself,

To want to break down those strong walls you've built to protect your heart,

And let him in.

Because, you'd trust him no matter what.

Because you'd want him to know you, too.

Losing him,

Would be unthinkable.

It'd be like losing a part of your soul.

And that would be your greatest fear.

You'd risk everything you have,

Even your life,

For him, as long as he's happy.

You'd give it your all.

You don't need to be with him,

Because as long as he's happy,

Even if it's with another girl,

You'll be happy.

Because that means putting one person's happiness before yours,

Not many people can do that.

That, to me,

is Love in its purest, truest form.