If I should have a daughter

I'll tell her this.

It's far from over

Ever had those moments,

When life is just so difficult,

And you just wanted to curl up in bed,

And cry?

Feeling broken

Barely holding on

But there's just something so strong

Somewhere inside me

And I am down but I'll get up again

Don't count me out just yet

When it seems like the whole world is against you,

Like you can't seem to do anything right,

When you just feel so tired,

You want it all to stop.

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

But you know,

You know it can't stop.

You know that at some point,

You'll have to stand up and face it all.

And fight.

And not give up.

And there are voices saying:

"You can't do it. You'll just fail, and fail, and fail."

"What's the point?"

"You won't last long."

"You may as well give up."

"Save yourself the humiliation."

"Give up."

They can say that

I won't stay around

But I'm gonna stand my ground

You're not gonna stop me

You don't know me

You don't know who I am

Don't count me out so fast

But you know,

It's never really over.

Unless you let it.

Unless you allow yourself to fall.

Right?

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

A battle is only truly lost,

When the warrior gives up.

There will be no fade out

This is not the end

I'm down now

But I'll be standing tall again

Times are hard but

I was built tough

I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

You may fail,

You may lose,

You may get yourself into a whole load of shit.

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

I am far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

But you know what?

It's okay.

No no

I'm not going nowhere

I'm staying right here

Oh no

You won't see me begging

I'm not taking my bow

Can't stop me

It's not the end

You haven't seen the last of me

Oh no

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

'Cos if you want that rainbow,

You gotta put up with the rain.

P/S: The above phrase was inspired by Dolly Parton.

I'm a bit busy

Okay, that's an excuse.

I haven't actually bothered to really sit down and blog.

Or even to think of a topic.

I have a few drafts down, but I end up not finishing them.

The frustration of a writer is imminent in them.

So I ended up not updating this blog for days.

Then the days turned into weeks,

And before I knew it, it was already a month.

I'll need to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.

So for now, I'l be posting up videos.

Till, then. Please enjoy this.

Au revoir.

Two Ways

In issues that cross our path,

There are two ways of looking at it, I believe.

You can either complain and whine about it, blame it on someone else,

And be a pathetic victim.

Or, you can own up to it, learn from it,

And move on with your life, more grown up than before.

For example:

Let's say, you were supposed to compile information from everyone in the company,

But some weren't cooperative, and you ended up not being able to complete your task.

In knowing this, your boss gave you such an ass-whooping lecture,

That you cried in one corner of the office toilet all day.

At this point, you have 2 choices:

1. Blame the irresponsible bastards who didn't cooperate with you.

"It's all THEIR fault! They didn't cooperate with me! I asked them to give me the info but they just didn't listen!!" etc. etc. etc.

or 2. Own up to it. You probably didn't push hard enough, you weren't firm enough with them, and you let them push you around. Or something along those lines.

"I wasn't firm, and I probably didn't come across as 'I mean business, assholes, gimme your data or I will report you to the boss'. Next time, I'll be more firm."

Notice how powerful the second option sounds?

In every thing we do, we always have a choice.

It's always either A, B, or C.

I think we're sorta programmed to pick the one that we deem "the best" for ourselves.

Sometimes, those choices really do turn out for the best, because we choose what we think is the best choice at the moment.

And sometimes, those choices are made because it's the easiest way out, 'cos we just don't want to face the issue.

Like in the example I listed,

It's always easier to choose option number 1,

'cos you get all the "Oh poor you!"-s and the sympathetic hugs.

And it makes us feel good.

With option number 2,

We don't get any of that.

At the very most, we get "Yes, now you know, don't do it again."

So it doesn't feel all that satisfying to us at all.

But notice how choosing option 1 makes you seem so small in the eyes of others,

And how choosing option 2 makes you seem so admirable?

I suppose it's a matter of opinion at this point:

Whether you want to be pitied and mollycoddled in being a victim,

or to be admired and respected in owning up to your mistakes.

The choice is really up to you.

What if-s

At some point in our lives,

We'd start questioning ourselves with "what if?"

What if I stopped being lazy, and sat down and really studied?

What if I never listened to my mum, and picked the job I really wanted?

What if I continued exercising everyday, and never slacked?

What if I had enough guts to ask that hot babe out?

What if I never let him go?

The problem with "what if", is that your chance has already passed.

Or, you're uncertain of what you want to do.

I used to be this person, who'd always let herself down.

Really, I played on self-sabotage, all the time.

Honestly, it sucked.

Looking back, I know things would be so different for me now,

If I actually did things differently.

If I studied, I would've gotten straight As in my SPM.

If I pursued music further, I wouldn't be in advertising. I'd probably have ended up in MPO or something.

If I practiced my tennis more, I'd have won some competitions.

If I pursued my love of performing, I would've ended up in the theater.

The thing about me, that I'm very sure of at this point,

Is that I know I have tons of potential in me.

But my mistake was, I let myself down.

But then again, I wouldn't exchange any part of what I have now,

To get what I could've gotten way back then.

Sure, I'm not in the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra,

Yeah, I'm not a straight A student,

And of course, I never so much as entered any tennis competitions.

But I have a job that I absolutely love,

A career that's off to a flying start,

Achievements that most people my age never get till much later,

Experiences that most people my age don't encounter till about.... 4 years later,

And a future that is, although uncertain, definitely off to a good start.

So I've stopped asking myself "what if?",

And turned it into "what else?".

What else can I do, to make my ideas better?

What else is there, for me to improve?

What else can I do, to get that creative award?

What else can I do, to win the next creative pitch?

What else can I do, to wow my clients?

What else can I do, to bring myself one more step closer to my dreams?

Doesn't that sound better, than all of the "what if-s" in our lives combined?

And I think you're lucky too.

A friend of mine once commented that I was lucky to be single.

And that it's better to be that way 'cos she thinks being in a relationship is more... Troublesome.

I can't see why she should feel that way.

Sure, I have all the privileges.

The whole commitment-free thing.

The exclusion of drama, and the excessive hurt.

I'm pretty content with my life right now.

It's great.

But only sometimes.

I do get moments when I feel very alone.

Isn't it great to have someone text or call you in the middle of the day just to tell you they loved you?

Isn't it great to have one person on your mind, the minute you wake up, and the moment you fall asleep?

Isn't it nice to have someone you look forward to seeing, at the end of the day, or when a date is set up?

I know when I had a boyfriend I loved all of these things.

I never thought, for a single moment that all these were chores.

These days, when I'm down, sometimes, I have no freaking clue about who I should be calling.

I mean, I can't keep calling up my friends every time I feel emotional and intrude on their lives.

They have other commitments too.

When you're attached, it's always that one person you'd call to listen to you or comfort you.

And boy, do they do it so easily,

It's almost like magic.

When you're attached,

Notice how you have someone to miss.

It kills you sometimes cos the person isn't right next to you,

But you have someone to miss,

Even if they're on the other side of the world.

There is a physical being that you long for.

For you attached people,

That certain someone is most likely to miss you back.

Isn't that beautiful already?

In my case, the person I miss, isn't ever gonna miss me.

That's for sure.

When you fight,

Notice how you have someone to fight with?

I'm not talking about a fight between friends, family or total strangers.

I'm talking about a lover's quarrel.

The type that once you make up, things are sweeter than ever.

And I think that's beautiful too.

You have someone you actually wanna hold on to,

And someone who wants to hold on to you, too.

And you both have something worth fighting for.

And when you're both together,

It's like the whole world melts away,

And it's just the two of you.

And I know that this is one thing that you don't want anyone to take away from you.

So isn't it great, after all, to be in love?

If anything right now, dear friend, I think you're pretty lucky too.

After I Write

Sometimes,

I grow afraid of rereading what I've written.

Don't get me wrong, I love writing.

It's rereading it all that I have a problem with.

Not when I'm rereading it and editing it before I publish my posts.

It's more of... After a long period of time, after I've written and published it.

I'd have a fear of rereading it.

It's not because I'm afraid of mistakes in my posts,

But because sometimes the stuff I put in, are a huge reflection of myself.

You see, as a writer, I put my entire soul in whenever I write.

I'm really one of those people who "Write drunk, and edit sober."

I pour bits and pieces of myself, like how I feel, what I'm thinking...

The scariest is the "How I feel" part, though.

You know when people say, that the hardest person to face, is yourself?

It's really true for me.

People who know me, know that I have no problem with guts.

Heck, I'm the crazy girl who walked up to one of the world's best copywriters and asked him straight up for a job.

But when it comes to reaching down and really feeling my own feelings,

Trying to get to know myself, and just really getting in touch with who I am,

It's scary.

It's this feeling that you get when you don't want to face it,

But you kinda know that you have to.

At the end of my training at 95% the Advertising Academy,

I was told that the hardest part for me to go through now,

Is to face myself.

And it really is true.

It's like you gotta revisit some part of yourself that you don't really want to acknowledge.

All your uglies, your weaknesses...

Things about yourself that you aren't proud of.

Perhaps I'm afraid of facing the truth.

Or perhaps the memories that the posts invoke in me are the ones I'm running away from.

Because these posts I write are built up on memories and emotions.

Revisiting them, especially the bad memories, pain me at times.

So as the writer, the one person who is most clear on what the posts are talking about, all the underlying meanings,

It hits me, hard.

The feelings I didn't want to face, or have been running away from,

They come at me, full force.

So what do I do about it?

Once upon a time I was this little girl who just wanted to run away from facing these things, 'cos it scared me too much.

Well the little girl isn't so little anymore.

So I do the exact opposite of what I've been doing all along.

I've got to face it.

Sometimes in life, you gotta face your fears.

Running away solves nothing.

If anything, the pain would come back, worse than ever.

No matter how many uglies I'm gonna have to go through,

This is the one thing I know I won't regret, once I go through with it.

Dear 2010,

Where do I start?

You've been such a huge roller coaster ride.

You brought me love,

Thrilling me and making me feel so lucky in every way.

Then you took it away,

Hurting me, and leaving me emotionally drained.

Unhappy and wanting to give up on everything and running away.

You nearly made me crumble into pieces.

Then you knocked some sense into me,

Made me stand up and move on with my life.

You taught me lessons, that no teacher could teach.

Helped me grow, so that I'm no longer the person I used to be.

You pushed me beyond what I thought were my limitations,

And showed me that my capabilities lay far beyond what I thought they were.

You brought me such amazing people, that I never thought I'd ever meet.

Who'd support me, love me, and believe in me,

Possibly even more than I've ever loved or believed in myself.

You gave me opportunities beyond my imagination.

Some of which, I screwed up,

Some of which, I succeeded.

It's surprising how much one year could bring me.

It's even more surprising how much it would change me.

2010, I don't really know how I feel about you.

I am grateful, and bitter at the very same time.

Grateful for the good,

Bitter for the bad.

Perhaps it really is time to let go of the bitterness,

To move on in the next year, I think.

I will not, however, force it.

Because the more I do, the worse I'd feel.

So I'm gonna take my time.

I stand now on the cusp of my life,

Where a new chapter is about to begin.

I have the job that I set my mind to achieve.

I have the salary beyond my expectations.

I have people beside me, believing in me, and supporting me in every way they can.

2010, it seems too soon to say goodbye now.

My wish is that this goodbye brings the start of something great.

So goodbye, 2010,

And hello, 2011.

I don't know what you'll bring me,

But I'm sure it won't break me.

Dear you,

I get that you love him.

Even more than he could ever imagine.

I get that he probably has no freaking clue how much you love him,

And how much you wish he were yours.

Believe me, I know it hurts.

I can imagine how you feel right now.

And it's not a bad thing.

I think it's great that you can love someone so deeply.

It's Love.

What's wrong with that?

Some people let their lives pass them by without even feeling it.

I get that people are telling you to move on,

And how frustrated you are that you just can't seem to forget.

So you start thinking that you haven't moved on.

But you have.

Bit by bit, you've grown.

You just never noticed.

All you need, is time.

So take your time.

It will hurt, trust me.

The pain will come from time to time,

Haunting you, tormenting you,

Making you feel so defenseless and alone.

But it's ok, really.

All it really means is that you're human. And humans feel these things.

Know that the more you face your pain,

The braver and stronger you'll be.

And you know, after a while, it won't hurt so bad.

It'll go, trust me.

They say that time heals all wounds,

And they're right.

Give it time.

It will fade.

I know you can do this.

'Cos you're worth so much more.

Love,

Me.

For Them, or Us?

Sometimes,

I wish that I, or someone invented a machine.

A machine to wipe off memories.

So I could take away all that was hurtful,

And leave the happy ones instead.

Because from time to time,

These memories come back and haunt me.

Taunting me with their presence.

Making me regret all that I've done,

And all that I've been.

I'd wish for a chance to turn back time,

And do it over.

Those nights when I lay awake, not sleeping,

Are the very worst.

These memories come back full force,

Jeering at me over all the mistakes I've made in my short life.

"Stop!" I'd scream in agony. "Go away! Leave me alone!"

They never do.

Aren't I human?

Can't I make mistakes too?

I thought we learned from our mistakes, and grew from them.

Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

How the hell am I supposed to know what was right and wrong,

What worked and didn't, if I never knew what choice to make?

Why does everyone expect everyone else to do the right thing, and make the right choices?

What's wrong with being wrong?

Can't we learn from that?

Do we live for the expectations of others,

Or for our own?

Heartbroken Guy Commits Suicide

Yesterday at work,

I got news from a friend about a guy who committed suicide.

'Cos of a failed relationship.

He posted a countdown on his Facebook wall.

Left a last note to tell his family not to blame the girl,

"i love u…i said it i meant it…i’ll love u till the moment i die

devil bin this is the way how i love,perhaps ppl will think it was crazy

i’ve never tried to put down my pride my dignity my ego-ness on my first ex…but u were totally diff,i put down my pride my dignity my every shit

just to beg u….but i failed…as always im just a failure in a relation

but that’s just me,i’ll only do the things which i think its worth…

will i became ur memory forever ? who knows..since u were already special when the first sight i saw u…

perhaps,u’ll just fucking laugh at me…i bet there’s plenty of ppl will laugh too =) but who cares ?

that’s just me…that’s the way i are….

the last thing

i do appreciate everything about us….u were the light in my life..u given me determination for my future…but everything is gone…i don’t blame u actually…

because ~ so just wish u’ll have ya happy life in d future

ILY & IMY ~ sorry that i couldn’t brings u to walk until the end of the day

P/S : Please do not blame her….Im the one who decided this..she’s just the one given me the motivation n courage…..to my FAMILY,please..i beg of u all,dont ever blame on her…

To her future BF : IF U DID ANYTHINGS THAT WOULD HURT HER..I FUCKING SWEAR I’LL FUCKING HAUNT U DOWN EVEN IM JUST A SPIRIT =) !"

"first time i take a pic when i were crying..looks sucks...anyway thats the last pic of mine b4 i gg =)"

And jumped off a building.

As I read his last status,

All his friends' desperate attempts to find him,

I could replay the scenes of what happened before his death through my mind's eye.

My heart broke bit by bit.

It really was as though the comments left by his friends were documenting all that had happened.

The most disturbing part was that the first guy I ever dated kept threatening to do the same thing, every time I wanted to break up with him.

I'm not gonna lie,

I've been depressed over break up-s too.

There were moments when I just wanted time to stop,

Or to shut my eyes and escape elsewhere.

The feeling of wanting to cut briefly flashed through my mind.

Even though I didn't do it,

I can understand what this guy was going through.

A small part of it.

So I won't call him stupid.

Who am I, or we, to be the judge of that?

Could we truly feel what he felt,

And know what he was going through?

The level of depression he had was probably too deep for anyone to comprehend.

From what I know, it takes a lot of guts to commit suicide.

They always call it the coward's way out,

And maybe it's true.

But imagine, wanting to leap from a tall building,

Consciously knowing that death waited for you on the other side.

Not knowing where death would take you.

I'll bet you'd have moments of hesitation, too.

It'd take a lot out of you to take that leap.

They say that the last thought that goes through the mind of a person committing suicide,

Is that they want to live.

Everyone wants to, we're all scared of death.

We don't mention it so often,

But we are.

So don't call him stupid or a coward.

It's really not our place.

I don't know the guy, I've never met him, in fact.

But I do know that it is a huge loss.

This guy probably had a bright future ahead of him,

And now we'll never know.

Reading all the comments on his status makes it all clear,

That he was well-loved by his family and friends.

And the pain they have to go through now, is just.. Indescribable.

I hope that you, whoever you are,

If you're reading this and you're planning to do the same thing.

Taking your own life doesn't only affect you.

Know that it's the people you leave behind who are affected the most.

I send my condolences to his family and friends.

God be with you in your time of pain.

Rest in peace, Alviss Kong.

P/S: I've realised that the suicide note in Facebook is now no longer available. So I've copy pasted it on from another site.

Walking On Water

You look around, staring back at you

Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder

What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?

What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

Time and time again, I've doubted myself.

What if, I really don't get what I want?

What if, someone else gets it, and I'm left all alone,

Out in the cold?

I have big dreams.

Bigger than me.

I dream to do the impossible.

I dream to take on the unknown.

Sometimes it just seems so far away,

So unobtainable.

Even when I tell anyone about what I want to do,

I feel my knees quake.

I know that there are so many ways that I would fail,

That I would fall and get hurt.

I'm scared.

When you take that first step into the unknown

You know that He won't let you go

But then I know,

If I don't take on what I want to do,

I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I know I won't ever live it down.

I also know that there are people who believe in me,

And will support me through it all.

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities, they try to hold to you

But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move

Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

So then I chose to walk that path,

Filled with cobblestones and sharp knives.

I let go of that fear, and jumped.

What's impossible, anyway?

There really isn't such a thing.

It's just a reason for someone not to try.

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground

No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out

Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure

So you play it safe, you try to run away

Despite choosing,

I'd still go, "Wait, is this right? What, am I crazy? This is dangerous, shouldn't I be stopping?"

"Shouldn't I turn back?"

What if I do fail?

But what if I don't?

How will I know, unless I keep going?

I nearly gave up.

But then I realised that if I did, I wouldn't know what lay ahead.

I'd miss out on what was waiting for me at the end of this difficult road.

The only way to know, is to try.

Step out, even when it's storming

Step out, even when you're broken

Step out, even when your heart is telling you

Telling you to give up

Step out, when your hope is stolen

Step out, you can't see where you're going

You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting for?

So really, there isn't anything for me to wait for.

Except for myself,

To take the chance and leap.

I'm still chasing my dreams,

Still stumbling, falling and getting hurt along the way.

But I'm not stopping till I've achieved them.

I've taken on a new belief,

The belief that nothing in this world is impossible.

Just difficult.

_____________________________________

Dear you,

Please don't give up on your dreams.

Remember, even the greatest people on Earth started off like we did.

And it wasn't easy for them, either.

So stick with your dreams, however crazy.

'Cos you never know,

They just might come true.

Love,

Me

From Granddaughter to Grandfather

Grandpa was tall.

And big.

He never looked like a typical old man.

I've always had trouble remembering his age.

Because he looked younger than his real age.

He was 89.

When Grandpa walked,

He walked with a certain vigour that most men his age could not match.

He was strong.

He had balding white-grey hair,

A cheeky look in his eyes.

And a cheeky grin to go with it.

Back in my childhood,

Grandpa was like a giant.

Because to me he was always this big strong figure.

In my innocence,

I thought he was stronger than my dad.

And maybe he was, at the time.

I remember back then, I'd always bounce on his knee.

He'd carry me around,

And he'd tell me how small and light I was.

He did this until I turned 8,

By then I was told to be too old to be carried around like a baby.

However I'd still beg for it sometimes,

And he'd indulge me despite my age, and how heavy I'd gotten.

He was a little over 60 at the time.

That's how strong my grandpa was.

During the course of his illness,

Grandpa shrunk.

On his last birthday,

He was so small and frail, I nearly couldn't recognise him.

It was like he would break at the slightest touch.

Then it came.

It was raining heavily that day.

I was getting ready for a reunion with my primary school classmates,

When we got a call from my aunts.

My grandfather had lost his life to colon cancer.

I remember crying a lot.

I remember going to his funeral.

Although I saw him in his coffin,

I half expected him to spring back to life,

Demanding to be let out of that confounded box.

He never did.

When they sent him to be cremated,

I wanted them to stop.

I was afraid he'd be afraid of the fire.

I had delusions of him screaming for help in the heat of the furnace.

I nearly cried for them to stop.

Then a sudden realisation hit me,

Grandpa was dead.

The flames may burn as hot as they can,

The body in the coffin can't feel a thing,

It didn't move, much less scream.

He's not coming back.

I guess it took a while for me to realise that.

Or rather, to accept it.

Because out of all my grandparents, he was the closest to me.

He left the biggest impact on my life.

I remember when he first got news that I was enlisted for National Service,

He insisted to come to KL to see me (grandpa lived in Penang).

My tenderest moment with him,

Was when he showed me his violin.

It was his most precious thing,

And I felt honored that he showed it to me.

Grandpa was always this person that I loved to please.

It's like, when I see him happy or proud or showing any sign of emotion to me,

It gave me great joy.

Grandpa was never really an intense person.

It's probably because he's a typical China man.

They don't really show emotions.

If I said "I love you" to him,

He'd say "Thank you."

There would be no "I love you, too."

After the funeral,

I dreamed of him.

My whole family did,

But I think I saw him the most.

Around, 4 times, then it stopped.

The rest of my family only saw him once, I think.

Some were happy dreams,

Some were painful.

I'm no Buddhist.

In fact, I'm Christian.

But I'd give anything to see him in my dreams again.

I've never really gotten over the loss.

I don't think I ever will.

In fact, as I type this I can feel the tears formulating in my eyes.

But you know what they say about the ones you love?

That they never really do leave as long as you keep them in your heart?

It's true.

Because I find that whenever I miss him,

I think back on the memories I shared with him,

I think of how he would react to different situations,

His face,

His expressions,

His gestures,

And he lives again.

I don't want to admit it, but I have to.

Hits home, this entire paragraph.

Love is

Whenever he walks into the room,

Your heart skips a beat,

Butterflies have a grand party in your stomach,

And all of a sudden,

The world is a more beautiful place.

Your mood lifts a whole lot,

And your smile grows wider.

You'd be so unable to tear your eyes away from him,

Because it's like he's the only person in the room that matters.

But you take caution as you stare.

Should he turn to you,

You turn away, bashful.

Fearing he might think of you as crazy.

You'd forgive him no matter what shit he's put you through,

Because he's all you want.

Every hour spent with him goes by too fast,

And every second without,

Is far too slow.

His very embrace,

Makes you feel so safe.

As though all of your troubles, pain and sorrow,

Melt away the instant he holds you.

And you could just lie there for.... Well, ever.

'Cos it's your favourite place in the universe.

His kiss sends tingles up your spine,

And it feels so heavenly,

That you'd yearn for more.

You'd want to know everything about him,

To understand him.

And in knowing everything,

Even his uglies,

You'd still want to be with him, more than anyone else.

All the more,

You'd want to be there for him.

'Cos, well, it's him.

You'd have no reason for it, really.

The little things he does for you,

Even if it's as meager as... Opening a door for you,

Turn your legs to jelly.

It's what makes you trust yourself,

To want to break down those strong walls you've built to protect your heart,

And let him in.

Because, you'd trust him no matter what.

Because you'd want him to know you, too.

Losing him,

Would be unthinkable.

It'd be like losing a part of your soul.

And that would be your greatest fear.

You'd risk everything you have,

Even your life,

For him, as long as he's happy.

You'd give it your all.

You don't need to be with him,

Because as long as he's happy,

Even if it's with another girl,

You'll be happy.

Because that means putting one person's happiness before yours,

Not many people can do that.

That, to me,

is Love in its purest, truest form.

Help

I think I'm crazy.

I get curious way too easily,

Then I irritate the hell out of people by asking too many questions.

I love the idea of walking around in costumes,

Just because I can.

Like on Halloween,

I loved parading around in hugely thick eyeliner,

Just for the heck of it.

If I had a witch/zombie/(insert mythical character here) costume, I would've worn it too.

(For Foreign readers: We don't celebrate Halloween in Malaysia)

Last Thursday, I wrapped my scarf around my head like a Muslim (though I ended up looking like a farmer),

Cos I thought it was fun.

I like outlandish dressing,

Cos I think it's cool.

I like being different from people,

Because I think being the same is boring.

And I have this theory that we are all turning into robots because we all want to look the same/act the same/conform to something.

IT'S TRUE!

Case in point: Is it just me, or do all Korean girls look the same? (hint: Plastic surgery)

I like doing stupid things like dancing in the rain,

Cos I think that's the way to live.

I turned down a RM500 job offer,

Cos I hated the job, and I believe that I'm worth more than that.

Therein leaving the security of being employed.

I took up a 2nd internship that pays RM300,

Cos I love the job,

And I admire the boss.

I'm still not securely employed, by the way.

But I am damn happy and proud of myself, cos I love the work.

I am actually anticipating my first day at work.

I have these crazy ideas that I still wish would come true.

For example, I still harbor a secret wish to go into the television and enter TV world and live there.

I believe that unicorns exist. They're just hiding.... Somewhere.

I think that actual Wizards do live among us, and they study at Hogwarts.

I believe that failing is good, cos that's the best way to learn.

I also believe that I have the ability to change the world.

Make people think differently,

Inspire them.

And make the world a better place.

I'm one of those screw balls who believe that they are somebodies,

Those loonies who think that sticking out like a sore thumb is cool,

Cos it's what makes us different.

Yes, I'm crazy.

But do I care?

No, not really.

And I don't think I should, either.

Nicholas

I pity the guy.

First off, he's fat.

So fat, in fact, I fear he may die of obesity.

What with all the milk and cookies the children give him...

He's probably at a huge risk of heart disease and diabetes.

His time may soon come.

He's always having to keep track of who's naughty and nice.

Imagine, there are a bajillion children around the world.

Parents have so much trouble in keeping track of one.

But this guy?

He da man.

He's like a bajillion years old, and he still remembers the kids!

I bet he stalks them.

But seriously, how the hell does one person take care of a bajillion kids?

I think it's his elves.

I think they do the dirty work for him.

They probably wear invisibility suits.

And they go around stalking children.

They probably follow them everywhere.

Even to the toilet.

They probably write down every single deed they do.

Damn these guys are good.

But poor Nick has to process who's naughty and nice.

I bet the Missus complains.

I bet he's so busy he neglects her sometimes.

Like at night, when she wants to "get it on" with him,

His response would probably be:

"No dear, not tonight, I'm too tired."

When most husbands go "Yeah baby!"

So the poor guy probably doesn't have a thriving sex life either.

And who pays him anyway?

I mean, GIVING toys to people?

That can't be cheap.

And how can he pay those elves?

And kids these days, they don't want dolls and toy cars anymore.

They want iPhones, iPads, iPods, Wii, Xbox and all.

So I'm pretty sure the guy has to pay double for whatever presents he gives.

Man it sure is hard.

And all he gets is a fancy schmancy "Saint" in front of his name.

Just to make it more glamourous.

And as December approaches,

I bet he has more sleepless nights.

On the 24th, the poor old guy has to lug a huge sack (it's a wonder how his back doesn't break. Maybe it has, but that would've been catastrophic),

Drive reindeer and fly all over the world.

Go to every single house (do you even know how many there are?),

And stuff himself down chimneys.

As if it isn't enough that the guy is obese.

And before stuffing himself down the damned things,

He has to make sure that they aren't lighted.

Just in case his butt gets burned.

Plus, he's done this for hundreds of years!

It's a wonder that it hasn't driven him bonkers.

No wonder he laughs funnily.

I mean who laughs with a "Hohoho!"?

Poor guy.

I think we should have a "St. Nicholas Appreciation Day".

At the very least we'd commemorate his services,

Instead of leaving milk and cookies.

Heck, it's healthier!

Poor poor Nick.

(Disclaimer: Inspired by Neil Gaiman's Nicholas)

For the Broken Hearted

A telling of a broken heart, from a girl's perspective.

Or at least, how I see it.

When a girl's heart is broken,

There is a sort of pain.

You can't really express it.

You feel this great throbbing in your chest,

Your head starts to throb in pain as well.

Your tears come, for a while.

Sometimes it doesn't stop,

Sometimes they come in a few droplets.

Sometimes, you scream.

Because the pain is just much too great.

You can't talk,

Because sometimes words fail.

You sleep more,

Because you just don't want to feel the hurt.

Because you want an escape from reality.

So you no longer feel.

You wish for someone to hold you,

Because you just feel so alone.

It's like no one wants you.

It's like you aren't worth holding on to.

And you want someone to hold on to,

So you'd feel wanted, after all.

But when someone does hold you,

You'd still feel empty inside.

Because the one you want to hold you most,

Will never hold you again.

It's like the world has ended,

Because your love cannot be mended.

And when people tell you to move on,

That the past is in the past,

You just feel even more pressured.

Because although what they say is true,

How the hell can you be expected to forget someone who was once your entire world?

It's not easy.

When people call you desperate,

Saying there are tons of fishes in the sea,

You think,

Goddammit, I'm not stupid.

I know that very well!

It's just this one guy you want.

Why is he so special?

The answer to that, is in fact, simple.

You love him.

And what's so wrong with that?

Then you find that the tears no longer come.

And you no longer want to scream.

Because the hurt you felt a while ago, it's all numbed.

But it's still there.

In passing weeks you try,

To distract yourself,

To stop thinking about that jerk.

Because you need to stop hurting.

You hate feeling hurt.

So you want to feel happy.

You avoid everything that reminds you of him,

Because then you'd think of him.

Big no-no.

You guard your heart with steel and armor.

To make sure it doesn't hurt again.

But isn't it funny?

Because some of the time,

The creep drifts back into your mind.

Messes up your emotions,

Make you hurt even more.

Then you start missing him,

Something you absolutely hate.

But you can't help it.

Cos you just can't let go.

Now it's up to the next guy,

To distract you from the jerk,

Make you pay attention to him instead.

See if he can mend this broken heart at all.

But does it need to wait for the next guy?

Can't we just let go by ourselves?

I believe we can.

Girls, we've been doing it all wrong.

Instead of distracting ourselves, we should've let it all out.

Taken all the time we needed to let our anger, hurt and pain go.

It's okay to hurt and be angry.

It's even okay to love someone who used to love you.

And I know it hurts.

But tell me, what's wrong with having a little bit of love in our lives?

As much as it hurts, it's not wrong, is it?

Didn't you feel much better after crying over something hurtful?

Didn't you feel much better after screaming at your annoying brother who spilled Milo all over your assignment?

Well, apply that to your heartache.

Vent it, go all out.

See if you feel better after that.

Author's Note: Damn son, why do my ideas always come in the middle of the night? -.-